


Exit wounds

by Marber312



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec injured, Alecdoesn'tremember, Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breakup, Complete, Ended up being a whole Malec fluff story, F/M, Happy Ending, M/M, Magnus worried, Makeup, Temporary Amnesia, Was supposed to be a drabble, becuase i can't help myself, can't write sad endings, not good at tagging, remembering, slight clace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-30 05:07:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8519668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marber312/pseuds/Marber312
Summary: Alec can't believe what he's hearing. He and Magnus are no longer and it hurts like he's gotten shot. (Based on the scrips' Exit wounds)But while on a mission he gets hurts and when Alec wakes up he can't remember the good (and angry) looking warlock who's healing him. Everyone seems to know what is going on but no one is telling him anything. He feels things he cannot explain so he knows something is missing, just not what.(as always I can't actually write sad endings soo)I'm not very good at summaries but it contains angst, confusion and of course Malec.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another freaking Amnesia fic - like really? Well yes, I had intended for it to be a short drabble of Alec being sad after being dumped by Magnus, based on the Scripts Exit Wounds. 
> 
> But could I do just that? Just leave Alec sad and single? NO. Of course not.
> 
> So instead it turned into an entire, more-than-one-chapter-story and an amnesia fic of all things. But I'm not even sorry. It's not as well written as I would have liked (so I will most probably be editing this a lot) But I found it kind of cute and I like it. 
> 
> I don't know why Alec always ends up being hurt in my fics! D: But well, here's another one
> 
> I hope you like it in it's strange way :)
> 
> Edit:  
> Oh My gosh! Over 1500 hits and 100 kudos! Like what! Thank you to all for the support!

Alec wanted to take a few steps back in shock. It felt like he had been slapped, hit in the gut and poisoned, all at the same time. “We’re over,” the words echoed in his empty head. Magnus said something more but he couldn’t hear what. He felt like grabbing his chest. His heart hurt. He felt the tears forming and blurring his vision. He looked up, watching the warlock’s back fade away out of his vision. He staggered backwards and hit the wall behind him and fisted his shirt over his heart. It hurt so bad he for a second thought he must have hurt himself somewhere in the process. He checked himself over but nothing was wrong. Except that Magnus was no longer standing in front of him. Nothing was wrong except Magnus wasn’t coming back. And that meant that everything was wrong.

He sunk down to the floor and sat there. Alec was fairly aware that he was crying but didn’t really reflect on it, he just held his hand against his chest, repeating Magnus’ words over and over in his head. All his happy memories and loving times he had shared with Magnus turned painful. They flooded his mind and for each one he used to love it felt like something stabbed him in the heart. The way Magnus would turn to him in his sleep when he was getting into bed after sneaking in after a late mission, the way his lips never stopped tingling when they kissed, the way his heart felt like exploding when he realised how much Magnus loved him and how much he loved Magnus. The way the world melted away when Magnus looked at him. How courageous he’d become thanks to the support and passion Magnus had for _him._ All the memories he said he’d cherish forever, all the little things he knew about Magnus that he found adorable was drowning him; like the way his brows furrowed in worry when he came home with a limp. How his unglamoured pupils would be so big his eyes looked black when whispering I love you, in the dim light before bed. Alex didn’t know if he could cherish them when they made him feel like his heart was shattering into a million tiny and sharp pieces cutting into his very being. It felt like if something had impaled him and he could feel the gaping hole in his back where it exited.

Alec would have sat there until he died of starvation, as all senses had drained from him, if Izzy hadn’t found him. She helped him up, and in a blur of emotion he told her what Magnus had said. He couldn’t form the words any other way than to quote Magnus. Saying it any other way would be to acknowledge what had happened and that would be to acknowledge that they were no longer together and he wasn’t ready to do just that. It already felt like someone had shovelled around his insides until nothing was in its right place and he was slowly dying from an internal bleeding, mostly by puncture wounds to the heart.

He hazily remembered Izzy telling him that Jace had tracked him to where she had found him and had thereafter taken him to the institute. Well back on the Institute she had laid him down on his bed and he had lain there; waiting for a doctor to fix his broken body, waiting for Magnus to heal him. But no one came as he wasn’t actually hurt, only heart broken. He didn’t remember how long he lay there, he couldn’t remember if he had cried or not or when or _if_ he stopped. He was glad Izzy had left and hadn’t come in since. He wouldn’t be able to handle her, or his family seeing him in such a broken state. When he finally left his room he walked around trying to be normal, trying to tell himself he had cried it out, but he felt so horribly hollow inside. The memories of Magnus still flooded his mind and each day that passed without him rubbed salt into the bleeding wounds of his heart, or re-opened them. It made them impossible to imagine away. 

For a few days Jace, Clary and Izzy let him be; only checking in on him so he didn’t totally lose it. He tried his best to cope with his constantly aching heart, and the best way he knew how was to dive into work. The more work he had to do the less time his thoughts had to wander. And he didn’t want to think about Magnus, he didn’t want to think of how much it hurt thinking of Magnus and he didn’t want to hear the small doubt in the back of his head saying that he’d never find someone who’d love him like Magnus had; telling him he had screwed up his chances at a normal shadow hunter life for a warlock who had walked out of it; and know he wouldn’t have changed it for anything in the world.

To avoid any kind of thinking he did every little task available and he did it perfectly with such a precision he even got a letter from the Clave congratulating him on his impeccable work. Not that it helped. Nothing actually helped. It still felt like a demon had tried to pierce his heart and the venom was slowly killing him off.

 

To be honest

A lethal wound would have been better because being hurt by a demon trying to impale his heart hurt less than walking around feeling like something was trying to rip it out of his chest. It would hurt less because if it were a demon wound Magnus would be there to heal him. Magnus would still be there and they’d still be together. Magnus would have had a mask of calmness on as he dug into warlock business of healing a shadow hunter but he’d have hints of anger and fear in his features, because it was Alec, _his_ Alec that was lying on the infirmary bed. He’d have a small extra crease in his furrowed eyebrows which would give away his anger; angry that Alec hadn’t been more careful, that he hadn’t paid closer attention and then Magnus’ focused eyes would be slightly more narrow than out of mere concentration, showing the always the nagging fear of Alec being hurt, or worse, hurt beyond saving, which would infuse his angry furrow to twitch by being angry at himself for not working faster.  

Alec wondered if someone else ever had noticed that or if it was just him who’d had the time to reflect on such subtle things on the warlock’s face.

Something swished by the side of his face and he swore under his breath as he realized that his daze had gotten him in the kind of situation Magnus would have scolded him for. He hadn’t paid enough attention to the task at hand.

He had been set on backup duty and defence as Jace and Clary had run ahead. His job was to kill any lingering demons so no one could attack them from behind as well as coming in as reinforcement as a second attack wave later, if needed. But he hadn’t paid enough attention. He knew it was his fault when a stinger graced his side. He turned around and shot an arrow hitting the one which had hit him in turn. He swore under his breath again. The oncoming demons were too close to hold off with his bow alone. He pulled the string back and got another demon with an arrow then a third, but he hadn’t the time to draw another arrow when the fourth jumped.

He had just enough time to dodge to the side and in the movement sideways he swung around and used his bow as bat. He heard a faint crack as he hit the target. The hit had been hard enough to actually kill the demon, the only comfort of sacrificing his favourite weapon. Well he guessed it was actually still Magnus bow and arrow. He had always liked the idea of it being Magnus, it was like having a piece of him with him on missions, Well, he used to before thinking about anything related to Magnus made him hurt all over.

He heard a light whoosh and had just enough time to turn around as the last demon jumped him. He managed to get his bow up to distance them but the force knocked them over. He ended up on his back trying to push the demon off him without letting it get to his neck. He took the chance he had and pushed his bow upward with one hand to grab his seraph blade with the other. He heard the spitting sound before he felt the acid spit hit his neck. He sliced the demon and it went back to hell, leaving a burning patch on his neck as souvenir. He swore once more as he reached up to wipe the burning acid away. When the immediate burning stopped he reached up to assess the injury. It hadn’t burnt deep into his skin so he wasn’t bleeding, not from any major artery anyway. It still stung like hell which was the price to pay for not paying attention.

He looked at his bow. It had definitely cracked. It hadn’t broken off yet as the string was still strung tight. There were no obvious splitters giving away that it was broken but it was bending ever so slightly where he could see that something was cracked. He guessed it was only a matter of time before it would break of completely rendering his favourite weapon useless. But he none the less pulled out more arrows out of his quiver. There was nothing that could be done about it now. He steadied himself as the second wave of demons entered; praying to the angels that his bow would hold long enough.

He felt his side burn and knew the stinger had been the venomous kind since his side burned and his feet felt slower than usual. He let out a dry laugh. Wouldn’t it be fitting that he’d die of a venomous demon wound, when thinking about it was exactly what made him lose his concentration? Not that it mattered if he was hurt by a demon or not. Magnus wouldn’t be there to heal him. He wouldn’t come back to him if survived. He wouldn’t come back if he died either though. No matter the outcome, Magnus wouldn’t come back. Alec felt gloomy about even thinking such a dark thought and shook it out of his head. Jace and Clary needed him. That was the task in hand and _if_ he was about to die he’d go out doing the best defence and backup there had ever been. He’d restore his family honour by dying while being the absolutely best fighter the Clave had seen in centuries.

His stance didn’t waver, even though his body wanted to. His parabatai needed him and that was all it took for him to keep going. He swirled and slayed demon after demon. When the area looked clear he dashed after Jace and Clary.

His heart pounded against his ribs trying to jump out of his chest in a way it hadn’t done for years. Not even a week’s mission had made him feel so tired. The endurance and stamina runes usually helped with the fatigue but it had been a long while since he felt so drained of energy even without them like he did now. His legs felt numb and tired but not even his failing energy slowed him down and he had soon reached Jace and Clary, clearly in over their heads.

He pulled an arrow and aimed. His leg wobbled and he ended up kneeling with one knee on the ground but he still managed to send his arrow on the way down effectivly killing the demon who had almost overpowered Jace. His parabatai looked up seeing the familiar arrow and gave him a quick look of thanks before heading for the next demon. Alec kept the arrows coming and slayed any demon that came close to his fighting friends while slaying those who came at him with his seraph blade. He was a hurricane of demon death and lethal arrows. Switching between distance shooting with his bow to close hits with his knife in a seamless continuing movement. Not a singled arrow missed. Every single slash was lethal. He hadn’t been so focused on anything since Magnus broke it off, not entirely. The line of demons where thinning out. They all knew it was nearing the end and Clary sighed in relief seeing that no more demons were filling in when the others vanished. Alec sliced and ended up crouching on his knee, the last of his arrows falling onto the ground.

In the nick of time Alec realized that there was a demon luring behind Clary, who had just let her guard down in belief they were done. He was on his knee and had no time to shout out or run to her, not even stand up and turn around to shot properly. So in the blink of an eye he took the bow into his right hand, his non-dominant shooting hand, picked up an arrow from the ground and pulled the string under his arm and released.

He had stopped trick shooting like this, under his arm or with the wrong hand a long time ago since he had either missed, being too unstable with his less dominant hand - or the string backlashed onto his forearm bruising him horribly - not that it would matter with one bruise more or less since his vision was zeroing in, getting hazy at the edges - but neither happened this time; the arrow flew in a straight line and pierced the demon – the perfect shot – killing it right before it reached Clary. She yelped at the flying arrow and turned around in time to see the demon disappear. Alec stood up and felt something touch the side of his leg and realized that the force of the strange angled pull had made his bow snap.

Clary sighed in relief thanking him on her way over looking apologetically towards his broken bow as he stood up. Alec only shrugged his shoulder. It had held out longer than he thought it would. Jace finished of the last demon before giving Alec a triumphant smile. “That! That was **awesome**!” Jace walked towards his parabatai, eyes gleaming with amazement and pride. “I’ve never seen anything like it! You were amazing, like, seriously Alec! I’ve never seen someone fight that way, it was like a freaking movie! I’ll **never** be able to top that, seriously! Wait till the others hear of this! You’ll be a legend.” Clary nodded agreeingly, also in slight awe. Alec gave him a small smile and realized that the world had gotten a whole lot blurrier. He felt himself sway, sweat clinging to his forehead and saw Jace’s face shift from amazement to fright and worry. “Alec? Are you alright?” He neared Alec with wary steps. Alec couldn’t find the energy to answer him. He had totally forgotten being hurt. He had forgotten everything for a wonderful couple of minutes, if it had only stayed that way. “Alec?” Jace was almost beside him. He gave Jace a small smile. He had done his best. His world blurred and then blackened.


	2. waking up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I could have stuffed the entire story in one chapter but since it's about 15 pages long I thought It would be a little bit hefty.

He groaned as he woke up seeing the same old infirmary ceiling he’d always woken to being hurt on a mission. He tried to sit up but was pushed back by a tanned hand with nail polish. He looked up into yellowish green cat eyes enhanced with a lot of makeup. His heart did a flip but he couldn’t figure out why. The warlock, he had to be a warlock since his hand was glowing blue, seemed familiar but Alec couldn’t put his finger on where he’d seen him. “No you don’t.” Alec looked to the warlock once more. His brow showed the slightest hint of being angry and his slim eyes had a shadow of fear in them as well as some kind of emotional cocktail mix of a million mixed emotions but none of the other emotions stood out like those two.

He lay down again. And without thinking further he asked what was on his mind. “Why are you angry?” He added a little sarcasm. “Isn’t the Institute paying you enough?” The warlock looked shocked and taken aback but before he could answer Jace stepped through the door. “Hey, how are you?” He gave the warlock a wary and unsure look, like if having a silent argument with the man. “I’m fine.” Alec looked up towards the warlock again. “Have I met you before? And why did you look scared before?” The warlock looked like he was even more shocked and almost offended but did once again not have the time to reply as Jace cut in abruptly. “You’ve been treated hundreds of times by warlocks so I’m sure you’ve been healed by him.” He nodded, with a harsh stare, to the warlock with intriguing eyes. “before.” Jace grabbed the warlock by his shoulders and gave him the strangest stare. Alec wanted to ask more questions but Jace was half following, half leading the storming warlock out of the room.

Alec sat befuddle for a second. What had just happened? What was that about? Alec’s body protested but he got up anyway hearing them mumble on the other side of the door. His curiosity and confusion too large to ignore the want to hear what they talked about. He couldn’t hear the entire conversation as he neared the door but he heard Jace familiar voice, if they hadn’t had the intention to be listened to they should have walked further away.

For some reason just the low mumbling of the warlock’s voice calmed him and his racing thoughts, like if he’d heard it before, like if it was a voice he loved listening to, even though he couldn’t remember where he’d ever heard it before. He tried his hardest to remember but it was blank. He shook his head and walked closer to the door. The warlock’s voice was still too low to hear properly. He took a few more steps. “I might have hit his head a little bit harder in the doorframe than I implied before. A bit too hard assumingly.” He could practically hear Jace shrug his shoulders, staring down to the right corner of his eyes trying to look innocently neutral, like he always did when he knew he had messed up. “JACE! It’s a wonder his neck didn’t snap with the force you must have used!” Alec just took a sneak-peak from the door crack. The warlock used his hands a lot when he spoke, or rather yelled. He was too focused to on the warlocks flickering hands and to engrossed with this other man to listen to what he actually said. He stopped staring when the man stopped waving his hands. Jace was speaking now. “Or **maybe** ,” Jace took his defensive brotherly stance Alec had only seen a few times. “He _wanted_ to forget.” The stare down Jace was giving the warlock made Alec wonder what the poor man had done to deserve such wrath.

Alec opened the door wide. “Who wanted to forget what?” Their conversation died immediately and they only stared at him for a couple of seconds. The warlock looked furious, so angry his eyes were watering, and so did Jace. Alec switched his weight to his other foot, looking at them patiently while stubbornly waiting for either of them to answer.

The warlock gave Jace a hard stare and a thin lipped smile. “I guess you’ll take this then.” He gave Alec a stern look as well quirking one of his brows. “And you should be in bed,” he said in a stern voice, sounding a little stocked, before walking away down the hall. Jace sighed heavily. “You should listen to what Magnus said. You were really banged up so you need to rest.” “Magnus..?” Alec pronounced the name slowly in an inaudible whisper. It too felt familiar and arose butterflies in his stomach with a lingering sadness he didn’t know where to place. He heard Jace saying something else but he wasn’t listening he was trying to remember where he heard the name before, but all he heard was a tiny whisper of _Alexander_ and it made him want to cry.

He walked back to the bed and blamed his burning tear ducts on his still aching side from the demon wound. He shook his head; he was bound to get a concussion if he kept shaking it. He touched his side and faintly recalled preferring this. There wasn’t anything in this world he could have preferred this over. Demon wounds were a hell to heal and they hurt like nothing else to get.

After a few hours of rest Magnus came back. He still looked angry but even though he looked mad, furious even and maybe even a little sad, Alec still felt the tingle and the feeling that they’ve met before. He couldn’t help but feel happy for seeing him even though his heart sank at the same time. Maybe he could brighten the warlock’s mood a little and maybe then he could remember where they had met before because he had **not** believed Jace lame story. He had said that he remembered Magnus because he was the High warlock of Brooklyn and had therefore seen him in the institute before. But Alec knew he would have recognized Magnus’ face if he had seen him before and if he hadn’t actually seen his face clearly, he would have remembered his mere presence; even his voice was memorable for angels’ sake. The essence of Magnus _Bane_ was just as extinguishable as his appearance. So Alec was sure he’d never forget meeting a man like this.

Alec tried to restrain himself from asking questions that rushed in his head. By the tone Jace had used and Magnus’ angry expression he didn’t dare to. But as it looked like Magnus wanted to say something but changed his mind Alec couldn’t help himself. “Magnus..?” He more or less asked, trying to coax Magnus’ question out of him by breaking the silence first. He hadn’t said the name out loud yet and when he did it sent shivers down his spine in a Deja vú sense. The warlock looked at him and he was shocked to see such strong emotions play on his face.  He was most of all shocked to see the want and sadness in Magnus’ eyes. It looked like he tried to stop himself but couldn’t while having Alec’s questioning eyes on him.

“You said I looked angry. How could you tell?” Alec shrugged his shoulders and looked away from Magnus intense stare. He got the strangest urge to reach out to touch him - anything to take the frown of his beautiful face - but restrained himself and only brought up his finger. “Your brows furrows a little bit more than just concentration,” He pointed to the place he’d noticed the anger, letting the tip of his finger meet Magnus warm skin. “there.” His finger tingled and Magnus eyes glanced over. For the few seconds the touch lasted Alec thoughts wandered to imagining cuddling up to that warmth on cold nights, kissing his soft skin, his lip- Magnus cleared his throat, breaking him out of his daze, and straightened. “Oh.” He gave Alec one last look over before declaring him healed enough to be out of bed the next day. If Alec hadn’t known better it looked like the other man was on the verge of crying when he hastily walked out of the room.

 

Right after Magnus briskly walked out of the room Clary walked in. He sat up. He was befuddled when he didn’t feel the same slight irritation at the mundane Jace had decided to take in as he used to. She smiled at him which confused him. It confused him even more that he smiled back. She sat down on the chair next to the bed. “How are you?” “They usual after demon poisoning; I’ll live. How are you? Still worrying about finding your mom?” Clary gave him the strangest stare and he gave her a confused look back. She leaned forwards and started to speak slowly holding back a strange laugh of nervousness. “Alec,” She put her hand on his looking very concerned. “We found her and woke her up like a year ago.” Alec’s face grew even more confused before the memories of finding and awakening Jocelyn slowly came to mind. It was foggy but he knew it happened. He laughed. Now the feeling of friendship for Clary came back. They _were_ friends. “Right,” Alec smiled and shook his head. “I must have hit my head pretty bad or the healing is still fogging my brain.” Clary gave out loud laugh. “Yeah. Jace should have looked where he walked.” She seemed to catch herself and coughed. “But I just wanted to thank you for saving me. I would have been dead if you hadn’t been there. And like Jace said, you were truly **amazing**. Everybody at the institute already knows what you did and how great you were. But don’t scare us like that again.” She looked over her shoulder to towards the door. “Jace is going to want to know what happened.” Alec smiled at her again. “I figured as much.” He said before furrowing his eyebrows in thought. He looked down to his bandaged side and stared at it. Why did it evoke the feeling that he hadn’t really minded the thought of dying? It didn’t make any sense. Not a lot lately made sense; it felt like a chunk of his brain was missing.

 Clary cleared her throat before giving him a somewhat lame excuse for leaving. He sat in silence after she left. It was Jace who had hit his head. The nagging feeling in his gut grew. Was it him they had been talking about? But what could he have wanted to forget? What had been so horrible no one wanted to tell him about it? All the thoughts hurt his head and trying to pull out memories that didn’t really exist had started to give him a headache. He was losing it. He laid down hoping the world would make more sense when he woke up.

His side still stung ever so slightly the next day but he got back to business anyway since the silence and all the questions in his head made it hard to sleep. He did what was assigned to him and did as told. Every so often after he’d get an order and was doing it he’d get the weirdest feeling of irritation. Not at the order, but following it, like he was getting annoyed at himself for doing it. He dragged his finger through his hair, trying his best not to rip it out. It constantly felt like he was missing something as he felt things he couldn’t explain.

He definitely knew something was up when even Izzy was being weird. It felt like they all had to think about what they said around him and it was driving him crazy. What didn’t he deserve to know? He wasn’t allowed to sleep in his own bed that night as his wound had acted up and he was rushed to the infirmary for an examination, probably because his anger made his movements choppy and sloppy, and well, he might have tried to work out his anger at a dummy.

 

Alec assumed Magnus had left immediately after healing him since Magnus didn’t, to his dismay, do the examination. But as he saw glimpses of the man walking around the Institute the very next day he discarded the theory and instead started to wonder why he _hadn’t_ left yet.

He pondered time and time again how he couldn’t remember the man. Magnus walked around knowing where to find everything so he must have visited the Institute enough to be somewhat at home; finding his way around without being escorted and yet Alec had never seen him before and he _lived_ in the Institute. [Not that he had been stalking the warlock all day keeping tabs on where he was… …]

He decided to try and spar with Jace that evening, trying to get the truth out of him when he was off guard and not paying attention to his mouth but he zoomed out half way through seeing Magnus walk by. His heart always flipped and then stung whenever he saw the magnificent warlock. Maybe he should just ask him out… Jace, who was too into their spar to notice his lack of attention, took the opportunity to overpower Alec, knocking him to the floor. The hard impact on the wrong side ripped up his still healing injury. Alec growled under his breath, the wound was a terribly prolonged one. It seemed like it never wanted to heal which just added to the things he hated right now. Alec admitted defeat, the pain distracting him to much from the questions he had intended to make Jace answer and hurting too much to continue fighting with without Jace noticing it. Jace smiled, a tad triumphantly, and Alec tried to do the same. He grabbed Jace’s out stretched hand and let himself be hoisted up by his parabatai. He tried his very best not to clasp his side with a pained expression but stand naturally. He tried to play the pain off as being tired. He patted Jace’s shoulder and when said man glanced at him worriedly Alec did the opposite to what his body told him. He stretched his back, arms over his head, smiling tiredly. “Catch you later? I think a need a rest.” He didn’t want Jace to fret over him more than he already was. Since Jace fussing about him was yet another thing he currently hated. Jace fussing only infused his suspicions that something really bad must have happened to him for all of his friends _and siblings_ to be so cautious around him. He was positive it was the same thing he couldn’t remember. Also a thing he hated.

Jace nodded, not looking overly convinced but looked calmer. “Call me if you need me,” Jace turned around after a last examining look. When Jace left he let the air go out of him, crouching and holding his side. He let the smile drop and frowned and hissed at the pain. He brought out the first aid kit they always had on the training area and tried his best to patch it up himself. Little did he know that Magnus had also gotten caught in a daze seeing him, and stuck around long enough to see him lift his shirt and saw his bleeding wound; scowling at his recklessness.

Magnus winced at the dark blood emitting from Alec’s side which he quickly dried up and then tried to cover up with a band-aid. Magnus had tried his best to stay out of view but hadn’t gotten himself to actually leave yet. He had declared Alec as healed but that wasn’t the entire truth, which he had told Jace and it was the only reason he hadn’t been kicked out, yet. Jace wasn’t dense enough to not notice that Alec was still hurting, even though Alec tried his best to hide it. Jace had therefor allowed Magnus to stick around until he seemed better.

Magnus had healed him and patched him up the best he could, he didn’t leave Alec unhealed on purpose to be able to stay. He wasn’t _that_ selfish, but a wound like his – one where it had been left untreated for too long and fought too hard with it – took far longer to actually heal completely than normal. It was due to the fact that there was still the actual physical tare in Alec’s side that couldn’t be healed with magic. Only Alec’s own body could heal it up completely. There was also the issue with eventual fragments of dust and demon specs in the still healing flesh which could infect the wound if it was allowed to. Magnus had thus not been able to leave. Or that was what he tried to tell himself.

He had wanted to leave though. He had wanted to run as far as he possibly could and never come back the second Alec had looked at him with unaware eyes and asked him if they had met before because it had crushed him. But even though his heart ached every time he laid his eyes on the shadowhunter he couldn’t get himself leave.

Every time he turned towards the door he was reminded of all the times he had caught himself looking to his side to share news or something he’d thought of and only saw empty space beside him. Of every time he was met with silence instead of Alec’s beautiful eyes and calming and lovely voice when turning around, when he for a second forgot that Alec was no longer there. The emptiness after knowing how it was to have Alec’s companionship, having him at his side, being his, had hurt so bad he had done his outmost to not think about the shadowhunter and the institute; promising himself to never to go back. But then when Jace had called, begging him to treat Alec he couldn’t hold back and had run out the door in the blink of an eye; he still loved the man and he wanted to see him. He wanted him back. He wanted him there beside him to share his everyday with. For a small moment he had hoped that healing him and Alec seeing him would make Alec consider taking him back. Since even though he was the one to end it he regretted it, not having Alec beside him, not having his love and care when he had once had was the worst kind of torture, making the silence in his apartment unbearable.

 

So now when he was there, all he wanted to do was go to Alec, hold him in his arms and apologize forever, hoping that maybe there was the slightest chance Alec would take him back. And even if he couldn’t apologise because Alec couldn’t remember him he’d still be able to be near him, see him, even if it was from afar. Any of that was better than not getting to see him at all.

If he left now he’d never see Alec again, either Jace wouldn’t let him or he wouldn’t have the courage to go back; knowing that Alec could continue his life without even knowing who he was, without knowing what they had had. Knowing that Alec could continue his life without knowing, evident to Jace, how awful Magnus had made him feel by breaking his heart and that his oblivion was all for the better, made him sure he’d never be able to stomach going through the doors of the Institute again. He’d be torturing himself each and every time he entered the Institute, seeing the man he loved but couldn’t have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a whole lot shorter but Magnus has a lot of feelings...


	3. Remembering

 

Alec continued the evening like if nothing was wrong but Magnus saw the clear signs that he was getting worse. He showed all the small signs of not being well that Magnus had grown so accustomed to see and look for: the furrowed brow in concentration when he was trying to pay attention to the conversation when his eyes drifted out of focus back and forth: the tenseness in the left corner of his smile as he tried to cover the pain sneaking into his features. He was holding his arm close to his side, pushing it into his hurting side and repeatedly had to stop his hand from holding at his wound.

The last straw was at the end of dinner. He was still sitting at the table when his lids dropped, and he for a millisecond almost dozed off. When his eyes shot up again catching himself he straightened his back before stood up and quickly excused himself for bed. Magnus hadn’t meant to follow like a stalker; but as Alec held his hand to his side and swayed when he rounded the corner, just out of sight for his friends, but not out of Magnus’ he couldn’t help it. He stepped out of the shadows where he had kept from sight and followed; just in time to catch Alec’s fainting form into his arms. He lifted him up and swore under his breath for Alec’s cursed stubbornness before carrying him to the infirmary.

Alec had just enough consciousness left to be aware that he didn’t hit the floor as anticipated. Instead he was surrounded by a familiar yet exotic smell and embraced by steady arms. He tried to bury his head in the warmth and loveliness of his carrier as, the sent, the warmth, the strong arms, the embrace, gave him a strange yet beloved sense of belonging. It calmed and lulled him into the blackness. Alec opened his eyes when he was laid down and his side started to sting but he only saw blurry glimpses of blue flickering hands and a pair of hazy green-yellow eyes looking worriedly at him before falling back into the blackness.

When Alec woke up for real again, he was alone. He must have been asleep for a day or two because his side felt nearly healed. He decided that he wasn’t going to do anything other than just sleep and rest until it was healed completely but he would do so in the comfort of his own bed.

He got up and slowly made his way towards his room, his side still felt irritable but not hurting. The memory of the intriguing eyes and familiar smell made his heart ache. It ached with longing and he knew he had longed for them and who they belonged to before. It was so familiar it was heart breaking but he just simply couldn’t remember.

He was pulled out of his daze when he heard Magnus soft voice coming from Jace’s room in a harsh tone. “I cannot do this any longer Jace! I cannot act like I just don’t feel anything! I cannot act like I’m not scared out of my mind every time I get a call from the Institute about an injury thinking that it might be Alec laying there! I can’t act like I’m somehow okay seeing him hurt or collapse and know I can only treat him but have no right to take care of him afterwards when that’s all I want to.” Magnus stuck out his arms. “When how much I want to is the only thing I can think about! You cannot ask me to do that!” He heard Jace upset and angry voice. “But this is not your call to make Magnus! He doesn’t remember you and for the first time in weeks he’s been acting like himself. It may be hard for _you_ but **Alec** is better off not knowing who you are and you can’t just run away because it’s difficult! You have a duty to the Institute whether you like it or not!” 

Alec knew it. He knew it was Magnus they had tried to keep him from remembering and it hit him like a fist to the gut. He peaked into Jace’s room. Everything about Magnus rang a bell and a painful feeling in his chest started to spread. “He’s been miserable since you **_broke his heart!_** By the Angel Magnus! Let him be.” Alec took a determent step forward, stepping into view. Seeing Magnus pain filled eyes snapped the damn in his head and brought back all the memories. **_All_** the memories.

His eyes filled with tears. Both because his brother, his parabatai had lied to him and tried to keep his _own_ life from him as well as seeing Magnus so shattered. The tears burnt by just seeing Magnus – like he had wanted for so long – but now knowing they wouldn’t be together. His mind flooded with all the moments he’d forgotten. It flooded with how much he loved each and every one of them, how much he loved Magnus and how much as it had hurt. It hurt now in the present feeling all these things from the past while his naïve hope in his oblivion of dating the hot man who had nursed him shattered knowing the truth. The outcome was just the same as before, they wouldn’t ever be together. It was the heart ache of being dumped tripled.

“Jace.” Once again they stopped speaking abruptly and turned their gazes to him. “How could you not tell me?” He almost whispered. He gave Jace all the attention, not wanting to lose focus staring at Magnus while still drowning in all the memories that were flooding his mind in a crushing flow. “It’s _my_ call to make. How could you? My Parabatai. My brother! You lied to me!” He was sad and furious at the same time. Jace turned towards him fully. “Because for the first time since he” He pointed accusingly towards Magnus “hurt you, you were back to being you!”

Alec knew how badly he had been hurting, the memories where back now. He remembered how he had acted, what a wreck he had been, but it wasn’t a justifiable reason to not let someone remember their own memories. To keep them from remembering a _person_ who had meant so much. He clenched his fists. “We could barely talk to you and you buried yourself in so much work we thought you tried to slowly kill yourself.” He pointed to Alec’s now semi-healed side. “You almost completed the job too! So when you woke up not knowing Magnus, not remembering how sad and miserable you had been we thought you’d be better off not remembering it at all.”

Magnus only stood there watching the very intimate and emotional moment spread out between them but he didn’t want to interrupt them so he took a step back. Not that it was necessary. They weren’t paying any attention to him. But it kept him from reaching out to Alec, which would have been utterly inappropriate for the situation but he wanted to wipe Alec’s tears away seeing how badly he’d been hurting. Hearing Jace talk about how he managed to break such a beautiful person so completely made his own eyes tear up. He took a step back and steadied himself. He’d stay and ride this storm out, no matter the outcome. He wouldn’t run like he used to when things got difficult and heavy. Alec was worth that. It wasn’t more than fair that Alec could stomp on his heart for doing what he did and then regret it and wanting him back.

“Don’t you think I deserve to know my own history? Maybe I was devastated but did you ever think what you’d do to me by taking my memories away? By taking away my memories with Magnus you take away them all. The good and the bad; the sadness but also the memories of the brave person I became. Everything I’ve fought for, everything I’m proud over being and doing. Everything! Nothing made sense when I woke up!” Now all his nagging feelings in the back of his head the last days made sense. “Don’t you think I noticed? Don’t you think I knew something was missing? Don’t you think I would know parts of my **life** were missing?” Alec’s anger died down. He felt the wetness from his eyes roll onto his cheek. Sure, losing Magnus hurt, but not being able to remember him at all hurt more. It was all just too much. He wiped his eyes and stared at Jace. “It felt like I was missing a part of me. I wanted to be sad but didn’t even know why.” Alec wanted to glance towards Magnus but kept his stare at Jace “I asked the man I love more than anything if I had ever seen him before.” At this Alec looked so absolutely devastated Magnus felt his own first tear falling.

Jace stared down into the ground shuffling his feet, guilt written all over his face. “I’m sorry Alec. I just didn’t want to see you hurting anymore.” At this Alec laughed sharply, it was a harsh and angry sound, new tears fell. It was all fucking hilarious. Jace didn’t want him to hurt anymore yet now, his heart was breaking all over again, and it was doing so in front of the man who broke it yet Alec wanted nothing more than to have him back. It was like being shot in the heart, twice. Once by just seeing Magnus, seeing his magnificent Magnus Bane knowing far well they weren’t together. Seeing the tears in his eyes while re-living all of the heartbreak he’d forgotten: both at the same time. Alec smiled, or more sneered, tears still falling. “And yet now I’m hurting more than I ever have.”

Jace didn’t look up, to hurt and ashamed to dare meeting his stare. “I’m sorry. But I didn’t have a choice but to call Magnus. Alec, you were dying.” Jace looked up, eyes wet and stubborn, like if it was still all Magnus fault. “I’m sorry for bringing this mess onto you.” Alec would have laughed but he couldn’t find the anger to hold against him anymore. He would probably have done the same if the roles had been reversed but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. His heart was aching too much to handle. He didn’t have the energy to fight Jace anymore. He was too tired and too sad to hold onto his anger any longer. He just wanted to leave because he didn’t want to cry in front of Magnus, he didn’t want to see either of them, he didn’t want to look at Magnus not being able to have him. His shoulders sloped and he looked into the ground marking the fight as over.

 

 

Jace turned to Magnus. “I had no choice... He was dying, but I understand if you won’t answer our calls.”

Magnus heard what Jace said but he was too occupied staring at Alec’s face to answer. He had had no idea how hurt Alec had been or currently was. He looked devastated. His heart was probably breaking all over again like if it had never been broken. But all Magnus could think off was that Alec loves him more than anything. _The man he loves._ Not lov **ed, _loves_**. He _still_ loved him. And unlike what Alec probably believed, Magnus knew, and had realized the second he got the call about Alec lying dying on the infirmary bed, that he couldn’t lose him or that he could ever stop loving him.

 

When Alec hadn’t remembered him Magnus had thought he could push through it – ignore the want and sadness - knowing Alec would be fine. He had said he could cherish their memories together as long as Alec lived, oblivious or not... But then when Alec had read him so easily, not even remembering who he was he had been so busy with his own grief to think about how much there must have been missing for Alec. Alec had felt things he couldn’t explain. He had known things without remembering how he knew.

 So hearing Alec pour his heart out, telling them that their time together was worth the heartbreak he’d gone through -The heartbreak so devastating it made Jace hate his guts with a furious passion for how sad it had made his brother - made his own pound harder. He couldn’t possible ever get over this man in front of him. He never wanted to and he never ever wanted Alec to ever feel the way he had. Because he still loved him as well.

He noted that Jace had stopped speaking and Alec was turning to leave so he closed the gap between them, grabbing Alec’s arm turning him around and put his lips against his. Alec was to never forget him again, regardless if he wanted him or not.

Alec saw Magnus move in the corner of his eye and when he was spun around and Magnus lips touched his, the world slowed down. He clung tight to Magnus’s shirt feeling the warmth and the familiarity radiating from Magnus slightly shorter frame. The very same feeling he had clung to in his unconscious state. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed the feeling of his lips, or of Magnus or how much he thought he’d never feel it again and clung tighter, kissing him deeper. He felt how much he wanted this, how much he loved Magnus, how much he wanted him back and he didn’t have to ask what Magnus felt. He felt it the way Magnus held his arm and shirt so tight it must turn his knuckles white, in the way he kissed him like if he’d die if he stopped. He felt it in the gentle way Magnus pressed their lips together, silently asking for forgiveness, wiping his tears away with his thumb while trying to kiss the pain away. Which he kind of was… The sadness was slowly melting away knowing Magnus felt the way he did. They had a lot of talking left to do but it could wait. Everything could wait, kissing Magnus felt like the gaping hole in his heart and head was mending and after a week of confusion he wanted to feel whole.

He heard Jace groan in the background and heard him exit the room when he wrapped his arms around Magnus, feeling how Magnus’ arms wrapped around him, pulling them closer together, as close as they possibly could, without ending the kiss.

Jace ran into Izzy and Clary right outside the door by the sounds of it. But Alec couldn’t care less.

Izzy and Clary gave him a puzzled look as he had, red faced, stormed out of his own room. He pointed over his shoulder. “He remembered.” They gave him another puzzled look since it didn’t explain why Jace was storming out of his own room in embarrassment. Izzy looked over his shoulder and started to smile fondly seeing Magnus, well, mostly she saw Magnus literally attached to her brother, which was about damn time since she had seen him the entire week sulking around looking like a lost puppy, looking at Alec like he was the juiciest bone he’d ever seen but wasn’t allowed to have. It was almost funny the way he thought it wasn’t noticeable. Like if the fact that he was head over heels in love with her brother wasn’t just as easy to spot as Alec’s cheesy and dopy grin with sparkning eyes he had had plastered on his face when he saw the warlock, amnesia or not. “I guess they made up.” Clary giggled before the two ladies continued walking. Izzy winked at Jace as they passed, “Just give them a moment. They need it.” Clary smiled at Jace as she kissed his cheek and added over her shoulder: “Just don’t let them close the door!” Jace looked like he wanted to fall over in embarrassment and the last part made Alec choke on air and stopped the kiss, a blush creeping up his cheeks.

 Oh how Magnus had longed for that face. He moved ever so slightly away from Alec to see him clearer but without removing his hands from around his neck. “Girl’s got a point.” He winked -very Magnus fashioned - trying his best, and succeeding, at keeping the adorable blush on Alec’s face. “So how about we move to a room where we can close the door? We have some catching up to do.” Alec’s blush deepened but led Magnus by the hand towards his own room.

 

And as he entered his room he knew where Magnus had been staying during the week. The place smelled like Magnus in the homiest way possible and his otherwise neatly folded t-shirts and jumpers were tossed everywhere. He looked over his shoulder and Magnus shrugged. “I may have used your room,” He looked at the pile of t-shirts on the ground including them as well “to sulk over the fact you were so quick on forgetting me.” Magnus looked at him with puppy eyes before closing the door behind him. “But I’ll guess I’ll just have to remind you.”


End file.
